"I do not know how far you are into your writing journey, and I am not going to judge that from one school story. But since you posted it publicly, I think it deserves more useful feedback than simply saying it is good or bad. There is a genuine story here. The patrol setting is interesting, Sky Arrow gradually losing parts of herself gives the relationship an emotional core, and the reveal that the tablets contain what the patrol members have sacrificed is a strong idea. The final return to Seth approaching her and asking for her real name gives the story a proper circular ending rather than simply stopping after the revelation. The main weakness is that the execution explains too much. Many of the conversations exist primarily to deliver information, and Seth and Sky Arrow’s relationship develops through a sequence of short exchanges that sometimes feel more scheduled than natural. Their bond would be stronger if more of it emerged through shared actions, awkward silences, disagreements, or small choices rather than direct questions and answers. The largest issue comes near the end, when the entity explains almost the entire story: what the patrol is, what the monsters do, what the tablets contain, why the entity needs them, Seth’s former life, and the consequences of his possible wishes. The ideas themselves are interesting, but presenting nearly all of them through one long conversation removes much of the mystery and leaves Seth mostly asking questions while the plot is explained to him. The prose also needs a thorough edit for repetition, awkward phrasing, tense changes, dialogue punctuation, and sentences that use more words than the moment requires. Those are all fixable, but I would focus first on scene construction and trusting the reader to infer things. I would not call this a bad story. It has a recognizable emotional intention and a worthwhile central idea. It reads like an early draft by someone who knows what they want the reader to feel but has not yet learned how much can be left unsaid. A serious rewrite—especially shortening the exposition and making the relationship more natural—could improve it considerably. Honest critique was extremely useful when I worked on my own early books. Encouragement matters, but so does being told which parts are preventing a good idea from becoming the story it could be."

"I do not know how far you are into your writing journey, and I am not going to make assumptions about your experience from one chapter. That is for you to assess. But critique is extremely useful when you genuinely want to improve, and I think this draft needs more than punctuation corrections. The main issue is not dialogue commas. The opening explains a great deal before the story begins moving: Lyco’s work history, his relatives and their roles, the village economy, his temperament, and the relationships between several characters. Much of that information could be introduced later, through scenes where it actually matters. The conversation between Lyco and Saul also sounds as though they are explaining themselves to the reader rather than speaking naturally as brothers. I would also reconsider whether this functions as a prologue. At present, it reads more like an exposition-heavy first chapter. A prologue normally has a specific purpose separate from Chapter One: establishing the central danger, framing a mystery, showing an earlier event, or making a clear promise about the story to come. The merchant and his unusual animal are interesting, but they arrive only after a long amount of background material. My advice would be to begin much closer to the event that actually changes Lyco’s life, then introduce the village, family, and history gradually. Trim repeated descriptions, let character traits emerge through behavior, and make the dialogue about something the characters genuinely need to discuss rather than facts they already know. I am saying this because honest criticism helped me enormously. I asked half my family to tear through my first two books and tell me what was not working. It was uncomfortable at times, but far more useful than being told everything was already excellent. Encouragement matters, but it should not prevent anyone from seeing what still needs work."